


Feelings Are Complicated

by Jedi9



Category: Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: F/F, Feelings Realization, Heavy Angst, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, References to Depression, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-17
Updated: 2019-09-17
Packaged: 2020-10-20 17:22:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20679095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jedi9/pseuds/Jedi9
Summary: Weeks after their last encounter with the Archon on his flagship, Sara tries to navigate through her messy life and complicated feelings, while Peebee is beginning to realize how much Ryder means to her.





	Feelings Are Complicated

Elaaden’s scorching deserts were wreaking havoc with the Nomad’s fragile systems. Peebee felt the rover shaking violently as Ryder struggled to keep control of the vehicle. Wasn’t Gil supposed to keep the car in tip-top condition?

“Piece of shit!” she heard Sara’s voice coming from the front of the vehicle. Peebee frowned. It wasn’t like Sara to lose her cool like that; the Pathfinder usually had her feelings under control.

_Dying twice would mess up anyone,_ she told herself as her mind went back to that horrible scene on the Archon’s ship. She remembered hovering in mid-air, watching Sara die as her AI willingly stopped her heart. She recalled the feeling of helplessness she experienced when Sara’s lifeless body hit the ground with a thump. She’d wanted to yell, but she couldn’t breathe, she could only watch.

“Hey, Peebs did you hear anything I just said?” Sara asked, snapping her back to the present.

Peebee stared at her for a second, took a deep breath and reminded herself that they were safe, that Ryder was safe, that they weren’t stuck on the Archon’s ship anymore.

“Well, you see, your…” she cleared her throat. “Amazing driving is so southing that it put me in a hypnotic trance.”

“So, that’s a no,” Sara replied, shaking her head. The Pathfinder could pretend to be angry, but she couldn't fool Peebee. She saw the little smirk tugging at the corner of her mouth before Ryder turned back to face the dashboard once again.

The same smirk she had seen countless times before Sara and she went down to business back on the Tempest. Stress relief they were calling it, and right now, after everything that’s happened in the last weeks, Peebee needed it. Unfortunately, Ryder didn’t seem to have the same needs. Right after their last mission—_after she died—_Ryder had thrown herself fully into her work, stopping by the escape pod only to see if Peebee was available to help her with errands she needed to run.

She tried to talk with her friend many times since then, asking her how she was doing and if she needed anything, and every time, the Pathfinder changed the subject.

“I asked if you could help me with something,” Ryder repeated herself.

“Help with?” Peebee asked.

“With replacing the blown tire with the backup one,” Sara replied, more than a little annoyed. “I’m not gonna change it alone!”

“Alright, I’ll help you,” Peebee said.

The heat hit the asari as soon as she and Ryder stepped out of the car, making her feel like her skin was burning. _I really hope this won’t take long; I hate this planet_!

Sara opened the safety compartment under the Nomad and took the spare tire. After a few minutes that felt like hours, the two women had replaced the tire and thrown the old one on the back seats. Peebee let out a long sigh as she closed the passenger door and sat down next to Ryder, relishing in the relatively cool air provided by the Nomad’s ac system.

Ryder brought the rover back to its usual cruising speed and smiled, clearly pleased about being back on the road. The negotiations with the krogans had taken a lot out of the human Pathfinder, so Peebee couldn’t blame her for being eager to get back to the Tempest.

“Hey, you alright, Peebs?” Ryder asked.

“I’m dandy,” Peebee answered.

“Well you’ve been distant today, so I was wondering if there was something you wanted to talk to me about?”

_I can think of a few things_, the asari thought.

“No, I’m good,” she lied. “Maybe you have a few things you want to get off your chest?”

Ryder smirked, and Peebee knew exactly what was about to happen. She wasn’t going to talk to her about that day; she wasn’t going to tell her how she’d been feeling and why she hasn’t stopped by her room for a séance ever since either. Ryder might be the most caring person Peebee knew, but she was also the most complicated and elusive. One day, the human is all smiles and quips, and the next, she could be depressed and reserved.

Peebee knew that Ryder had lost almost everything since her arrival to Andromeda, and she knew that having your life thrown upside down would drive even the best person to insanity, but it was still hard to keep up with the Pathfinder’s frequent mood changes.

_That’s why I don’t do strings; they’re messy and complicated. _But, as much as she hated to admit it, Peebee had grown pretty fond of Ryder, and she didn’t want to leave her behind, no matter how complicated she might be at times.

“I’m fine, Peebee, I’m just tired, and sweaty,” Sara answered.

Peebee eyed her, her tongue passing over her lower lip as an idea sprung to mind.

“A long, cold shower is what you need Ryder,” she said, moving closer to Sara. “I could join you, help you clean all those places you can’t reach. You know I’m pretty thorough.”

The asari chuckled when Ryder’s cheeks flushed red as she slowly dragged her hand up Sara’s right leg. The Pathfinder’s armor wasn’t fully covering the legs, and Peebee could tell by the look on her friend’s face, that she was feeling all the little swirling motions Peebee was doing with her fingers along her thigh.

_It’s always so easy to get her going_.

Sara cleared her throat as Peebee reached her crotch, her hands tightening around the steering wheel.

“You know it’s dangerous to distract the driver,” Sara said, a little out of breath. “But I like to live on the edge!”

_I know,_ Peebee wanted to say. Sara was ready to throw herself into danger without blinking if it meant keeping her friends safe. A month ago, it probably wouldn’t have affected Peebee as much, but Sara was more than just her fuck buddy now, and the thought of her getting hurt made her stomach feel things she hadn’t felt in a long time.

She slowly stopped stroking Ryder’s crotch, ignoring the pout on her friend’s face as she did so.

“Don’t worry, the rest will come later,” she said, her voice barely above a whisper. “If you accept my offer, of course.”

Sara sighed as her head fell back on one of the arms rest on her couch, her feet resting lazily on the other one. She checked the time with her omni-tool and grunted. It was only the middle of the day, and yet she felt like it was close to midnight. The heat and irritating krogans had siphoned what little energy she had, and all she wanted to do now was sleeping.

But, as much as she wanted to, she couldn’t drift to sleep, her brain wouldn’t allow her to. Ever since her last encounter with death, Sara had had difficulty slowing down, every time she closed her eyes, she saw the monster that hunted Heleus. Every time her heart rate increased, she remembered that burning pain in her chest.

During the day, it was easier to tame the dragon living inside her; she had people to talk with, errands to run and places to visit. But at night, the dragon roamed free, burning through every crack in her mental wall, invading her dreams and her thoughts.

Sara felt alone, she could talk to Lexi, to Vetra, hell even to Peebee, but they wouldn’t understand. How could they? They hadn’t died twice; she had, and the memory never left her alone.

The first time she’d died had been different. She’d lost consciousness and barely remembered anything. She didn’t even know what had happened until SAM and everyone else in her crew had told her she’d died. But the second time had been a nightmare. The second death had been deliberate, and she remembered everything from the burning in her chest, to the choking of air in her throat.

She remembered the look her asari friend had thrown her way before she limply fell on the cold floor, a look of pain and sadness. It had marked her deeply and had also piqued her curiosity. Peebee had never shown interest in Ryder beyond a sexual level. All she’d ever wanted from Sara was her body and—to some extent—her friendship, but nothing more.

She’d been clear since day one that she wasn’t looking for a relationship, only for a way to have fun and unwind. Sara—although reluctantly—had accepted the asari’s conditions and came to terms with the fact that she would never share anything more meaningful with her than just sex.

_Shit_. Maybe Sara had been wrong, maybe Peebee had developed feelings for her and was having a hard time coping with their last skirmish with the Archon. Or maybe she was reading too much into it.

_Argh, feelings are complicated_! Sara grunted and buried her face in the spare pillow she kept on her couch. Why couldn’t things be easy for once?

“Because love—just like people—is complicated,” her mother had once told her.

Ryder had never expected to feel this way about Peebee. The asari was volatile, reckless, and impulsive, and was driving her mad at times, but she still felt something for her, something deeper than just friendship.

“SAM, can you turn on the radio please,” Sara said, hoping music would help keep her mind off things.

The AI turned on the radio, and Sara felt tears sliding down her cheeks when she heard the soft symphony. It was her mother’s favorite song; one Sara would listen with her mom at night before bed when she was just a little kid.

“Everything okay?” Sara heard a voice coming from her door frame. She bolted upright and wiped the tears when she saw who it was.

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” she lied, walking over to her nightstand to close the radio.

“If you say so,” Peebee said. “I brought you something by the by.”

Peebee stepped inside the room and dropped a bag on Ryder’s bed. She then stormed her mini-fridge and took two bottles of beer before crashing on her couch.

Sara took the bag, opened it and gasped.

“A ham sandwich!” She unwrapped the food and took a large bite. “You’re the best!”

“Well you seemed grumpy earlier, so I figured food would brighten you up a little,” Peebee answered, taking a sip of her beer.

Sara slumped into the empty seat next to Peebee and gladly took the other beer bottle her friend handed to her. She let out an inaudible nervous laugh as the asari moved a little closer to her, her hazel eyes locking with her blue ones.

“There’s that smile again,” Peebee said, grinning. “You know, you’re way hotter when you’re happy.”

Sara bit her lower lip and felt her face flush red again. She smiled awkwardly and took a long sip of beer. Only, in her haze, she’d forgotten how to drink and choked on the cold liquid.

“Sorry,” she said after the coughing had stopped. “Took a bigger gulp than I expected.”

“Try not to kill yourself again,” Peebee blurted out before realizing what she’d just said. “Shit, I’m sorry.”

Sara’s smile started to dissolve, her eyes going distant once more as she straightened herself on the couch. Peebee silently cursed her impulsiveness. Why would she say such a thing? The Pelessaria part of her wanted to reach out to Ryder, to wipe the tears off her cheeks and tell her she was okay, but the other part—the Peebee part—only wanted to run as far away as she could. What part of herself was Peebee willing to listen to, she didn’t know. But she knew for certain that the Pathfinder—her friend—needed a shoulder to cry on right now.

The asari closed the gap between her and Sara, dropped the beer bottles and the sandwich on the table next to the couch, and gently took the Pathfinder’s hands in hers. Ryder didn’t resist or pull away when Peebee brought her lips to her cheek.

Peebee wondered what she was doing; she was breaking all her rules right now. This was strings, but she didn’t care. Ryder needed it. They both did.

Her eyes fluttered open when she heard Ryder sobbing, and without saying anything, Peebee brought their lips together.

“Looks like you really needed that,” Peebee said after they broke from the kiss.

Ryder laughed and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. Peebee knew that Ryder was as confused as she was about whatever that thing between them was, and she visibly wanted more than just a kiss, but she didn’t pout or groan when Peebee pulled away from her.

“I guess I did,” Ryder answered, her voice still shaky from all the crying.

“Now do you feel like talking?” Peebee asked. “Everyone unloads their crap on you all the time. Maybe you’d like to do the same?”

“Won’t that break your rules?” Sara asked. “I don’t want to do anything that would break what we have.”

_I already broke the rules by coming here and kissing you without getting laid Ryder, _Peebee wanted to say. She wasn’t even sure if she’d ever respect the rules again. Every time Sara was near, Peebee felt different, better. Was that what love felt like? She’d never felt this way with Kalinda before, and she’d love her for a long time. But this thing with Ryder was special; they shared a connection that went deeper than she expected, deeper than what she had with her former partner.

“I don’t know what I want Ryder,” Peebee replied. She let out a long sigh and rested her head on the cushion. “What I do want right now is to know what’s going on in that head of yours.”

Ryder cleared her throat.

“When I…died, I saw flashes of my past. I saw people I used to know; I saw my mom and my dad.” Her chest tightened, and she struggled to keep tears from falling. “Seeing them again just made me realize how lonely I am out here, and it scares me.”

Peebee stared at her, unsure as what to say. _Come on Peebee, tell her that she’s not alone, tell her that you’re here for her. _But she didn’t. She wasn’t ready for it.

Peebee spent the next hours listening silently to what Ryder had to say, smiling and nodding here and there to let her know she was still paying attention

. The evening didn’t go as planned; she’d intended to have sex with Sara. But in an odd, unexplainable way, listening to the Pathfinder confide herself to her was better than meaningless sex.

When she returned to her room for the night, Peebee couldn’t help but think about Sara and how she made her feel. She may not be ready for a relationship yet, but eventually, she knew she’d allow herself to feel again.

She sighed and let herself fall on her mattress, exhausted.

“Feelings are complicated!”

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you've enjoyed this little short piece. Feedback is appreciated (as I rarely do Angst short stories and would love to hear what you guys thought about it)


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